Oh My Geass!
by LVDB
Summary: As she watched Lelouch climb to absolute power on a stairway of broken bodies, Belldandy began to suspect that the Goddess Technical Helpline had made a mistake.


**Author Notes:** Yes, yes, I know. I'll get to work on my other Geass-related projects soon, but I thought I'd give you a one-shot in the meantime. Just be glad I didn't start writing the Geass / Tenchi crossover I'd originally planned.

Insert Standard Disclaimer Here.

* * *

**Oh, My Geass!**

While I lay on my bed, my computer bombarded me with the news of the day. Another bombing in Shinjuku. Thirty Refrain dealers murdered. A peace rally in Britannia.

Verrr-ry good.

I heard a knock on my door. Almost a scratch, really; my insistent tapping on the enter key almost drowned it out.

"Come in."

A brown-haired woman entered. For some reason, she'd changed from her customary sweater to her official clothing: a blue-robe-with-gold-edging-and-white-dress combo that could have stepped out of a Florentine mural. She held a piece of paper. Something else seemed different about her, and I looked up to see what it was.

I found it. Belldandy wasn't wearing the placid smile that had always made her look like a fugitive from the Hare Krishnas. Instead, she'd set her jaw and narrowed her eyes in a way that almost looked…determined.

"I'm working," I said. "Can it wait?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lamperouge, but it can't."

I turned on the screensaver.

"This'd better be good," I said.

She held the paper out. I snatched it.

_Goddess helpline…blah blah blah…terrible error…blah…blah blah…most regrettable….blah blah…recalled effective immediately….blah…_

Wait a minute.

"Recalled?" I said.

Belldandy nodded.

"I'm afraid so," she said. "It seems that the Goddess Helpline made a clerical error when they sent me to grant your wish. Apparently…"

She hesitated.

"Apparently, you don't…erm…you don't match—I mean to say, um…don't take offense, but—"

I raised an eyebrow.

"But I'm not the purehearted, true-blue, helps-old-ladies-across-the-street candidate they're looking for?" I guessed.

"Em…Yes, I suppose you could put it that way—"

Her palms shot outward in the type of movement you'd use when trying to stop a toddler from falling down.

"Don't misunderstand!" she said. "I'm sure you have plenty of redeeming qualities…You're….You're very intelligent, for instance, although you only seem to use it to kill people…."

A silence passed. I turned back to my laptop.

"Much as the news of my unsuitability surprises me," I said. "I have work to do. Bombings to plan. That sort of thing. So if you could just pack your bags and leave quietly, I'd appreciate it."

She seemed a bit confused.

"Oh…I suppose…Yes, you're right…"

"For what it's worth, you were a pretty decent cook," I offered.

"Thank you, Mr. Lamperouge. I've also enjoyed your—"

"…Although your goulash could have used more paprika."

Belldandy started to say something, but seemed to think better of it, and headed for the door instead. I decided to indulge my curiosity. Something had bothered me ever since I'd retrieved her from that vat-test-tube-thing in Shinjuku.

"When did you start suspecting?" I said.

Belldandy's finger tapped on the doorway.

"Well," she said. "Your wish for an 'accomplice' did strike me as a bit odd…And I admit that I had trouble writing off your brother's murder as youthful exuberance…"

"Smug bastard had it coming," I muttered.

Belldandy spun around.

"No! I know _exactly_ when it happened, Mr. Lamperouge. When you enlisted poor, innocent little Skuld to build that…_contraption_ of yours."

Belldandy had neglected to mention that "poor, innocent little Skuld" had cackled like a kid at Christmas when she'd watched the bladed monstrosity she called "Guren X" shred through Cornelia's knights. Involuntarily, I shivered.

"And the way you _murdered_ that mentally disabled gentleman," Belldandy said.

"Mao was a raving psychopath—"

"All the more reason to treat him with kindness and compassion!"

I gritted my teeth.

"Maybe I wouldn't have needed to kill him," I said. "…If _somebody _hadn't invited him into my lair and baked him_ COOKIES!_"

Belldandy bit her lip, as if trying to suppress something. Was it possible? Had I _finally _managed to…?

"Well?" I said. "Out with it."

_C'mon... C'mon…._

"You're…You're…" she said.

"Yes?"

"You're…not…a very nice person, Mr. Lamperouge."

She covered her mouth as soon as she'd said it.

"Oh! I…I didn't mean…I'm-I'm sure you can reform. I mean, you _should_ try to reform. There's hope for everyone, of course…"

"Of course," I said. "So long, then."

Belldandy sighed.

"Well," she said. "Goodbye."

I waved her off, and returned to the computer screen.

"Mm-hm," I said. "Door's that way."

Her footsteps were light—almost infinitesimal—as she made her way to the front door. While I half-listened to the Black Knights' "Radio Free Japan" broadcast, Belldandy said her goodbyes to the various household appliances. I found myself remembering the day when she'd broken into a conversation with a table at Ashford and spent the rest of the day blushing. She'd never explained why.

The door closed. Before that moment, I hadn't realized that a door could close "politely", but there it was.

I had the sneaking suspicion that my toaster was giving me a death glare.

* * *

A few hours passed. I kept working. The wind howled outside, clapping the shutters. If hadn't known better, I would've thought it was a storm.

…But never mind that.

Perhaps I'd get more privacy without Belldandy's endless procession of ex-boyfriends, would-be lovers, and jilted suitors. True, they'd added a bit of spice to otherwise tedious days, but it was getting difficult to hide the bodies.

I also wondered what I'd tell Nunnally. She'd liked the Norn. The two of them had wallowed in hours of clean, wholesome fun together—the sort of saccharine rot that could've sickened Mary Poppins.

On the other hand, Belldandy _had_ introduced me to some interesting social circles…

"She's gone?"

"Yep," I said.

An tall woman stepped past the threshold. Her white hair barely covered the six-pointed star on her forehead, and she wore a purple outfit that wouldn't have clothed a decently-sized gerbil. Considerately enough, though, she'd remembered to wear enough limiters that she wouldn't reduce me to a pile of charred lint.

"Have you considered my offer?" she said.

"Yes," I said. "I have a counteroffer."

I hit "print". My printer sat motionless. He'd always liked Belldandy better, but I'm nothing if not adaptable. Unlike his traitorous cousin, my laptop had inherited my paranoid streak, and had never liked our supernatural houseguest. I handed him to Hild.

For a few moments, all I heard was the occasional tap of the "down" arrow as Hild browsed my document. Her smile dropped.

"This is too much, Mr. Lamperouge."

"My consulting fees don't come cheap," I said. "Take it or leave it."

"This last item—"

"Everything," I said.

A minute passed. Then two.

"Oh, all right!" she snapped.

I smiled and retrieved my laptop, opening another file. Hild craned her neck over my shoulder. Her breaths against my face were…strangely appealing.

"Right," I said. "From the diagrams you've given me, the Yggdrasil System has several vulnerabilities. Once it goes down, you'll need to infiltrate your troops quickly…"


End file.
